The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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