no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
