Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize