This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
