omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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