I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
