He uses pillows to masturbate.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
