She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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