thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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