What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
