Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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