if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize