It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
