Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
