so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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