there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I want to fling myself into the sun
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
