I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
