he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
