Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
