How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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