No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
