i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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