Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
