Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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