Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I touched a dick in church today
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We smell like vodka and hangover
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