Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
pray to the hookup gods
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
