the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
