Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I had to cum in my sink.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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