I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
