I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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