Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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