I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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