I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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