he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
