My liver just broke up with me...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
