i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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