I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I need a beard to bite.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
