if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
