life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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