the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
