when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
