i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
