If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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