I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
im holly from the hills drunk
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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