everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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