i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We're too hungover to prance.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
