I'm going to jail i love you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
