hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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