why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
