Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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