I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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