How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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