Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it's great music for shaving your balls
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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