I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
