I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
