Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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