Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
