I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
whose ass print is on the piano?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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