I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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