Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
