I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You need Xanax blowdarts
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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